a poetic vapour

my solitude increases
as the barriers to enter
the rest of the world rise.

at last!

it’s late and only the music
of a numb voice screeches on.
I sit down firmly, in silence
my nerves kiss my toes and fingertips.
for few hours, I’ll exist
without a face
in a bath of waves.
everything around me, becomes me
just to live in these words.
how it is, becomes irrelevant.
what it is, at this moment
is what there is.
my memories can only chase shadows.

discontented, I drink another glass
and look for refunds.
I would gladly accept a new manuscript
and ease under the sheets
in the whispering silence of the dark.

an attempt at a good verse
an attempt to separate myself
from those whom I despise.

a poetic vapour.

at last.

the person I never wanted to be

I run out of dimes
to purchase words
to rhyme
and so still flows
the time
that I can hear
fearless cries going
faint, gliding in the
air, like a ghost of
distant past
and the moment’s truth
that is never going
to last
and I end up
sitting, on the surface
just a stone’s throw away
from an empty
hallway, where red lights blaze
and the eyeballs glaze
over the lit up moments
that got away
from my reach
as I turn into
the person, I never
wanted to be.

story time part 2.

if you haven’t read the first part, you’re missing out. click here.

“how’s it going?” i nodded towards her, respecting our daily rituals. i never used her name. mostly because i felt it wasn’t the real one, and the last thing i want to do early morning is piss her off. or piss off any other homeless. they might be homeless, but they ain’t harmless. they’re the kind of strangers your mum warns you about as a kid. even though to your mum, every stranger is a homeless.

“you got a dollar?” she proceeded with her lines in our little routine.

“no cash.”

now this part changed from time to time. i always had a dollar, but the answer depended on what the sun looked like that morning. more often than not, it was a no. that day was the same. i used to feel bad, but now i was immune to the reality around me. the subconscious took care of my daily interactions, leaving my mind alone to stagnate. strangers make you vulnerable, routine makes you lifeless. i’d rather be former, i thought to myself as i struggled to untangle the mystery of my earphones while walking towards the bus stop.

“the millennium collection: best of muddy waters” was next in queue. keith richards spoke very highly of this album. it was extraordinary. but there is always something about great art that hits me on a deeply personal level, whether it is music, paintings, writing, anything. what if i never get this good? will i have wasted my life pursuing something which wasn’t meant to be, or will the satisfaction of at least trying make up for all the lost times spent trying? i still have no answer. i always wish to wake up one day and have answers to my self-doubts but it never happens. tomorrow will be a new day. with a blues solo between my ears, i got off from the bus and walked inside a bookstore.

almost 10,000 books, 1 bookseller, and 2 customers.

expectation is a bitch.

“are you looking for anything particular?” asked the bookseller. his brixton hat and rugged appearance was demanding.

“no sir, just browsing.”

he then switched out the vinyl and sat down behind the timeless register, looking outside. admit or or not, everyone has a routine, even when you don’t.

i skimmed through the poetry section to see the billboard top 20 and tried to figure out the thing i was missing that those writers had. and no, it wasn’t luck. i’ll be the last person to admit that luck had any part in this bigger play of life. i like to call it trials and errors. famously taken from the rich history of experiments in science and mathematics.

“we began with honesty. let us end in it too.”

this was amazon’s bestseller writer, and oddly enough, i was jealous of a fellow countrymen. not because she was so awfully good that i knew i could never write like that, i might be better than she is, but of the connection she had with her readers that made her a bestseller. i love talking shit about these popular artists, when deep inside i know i want to be one. i want people to know who i am and what i do and read what i write and listen what i play and what i say.

the irony of my own thoughts never ceases to amaze me.

i read through couple more pages and couldn’t figure out what i was missing from my work. i had the boldness, the calmness, the clarity, much needed sensitivity, what else could it be? maybe, it is luck. dammit.

like i said, the irony of my own thoughts never ceases to amaze me.

i picked up a dusted copy of the satanic verses and headed towards the register. i always thought if i picked smart, thoughtful books and took them to the register, the cashier will be impressed by my choice and next time i come, he’ll be thinking, “there he is again, the guy with a great taste in literature.” you can guess how many times that has happened. it wasn’t any different this time.

“that’ll be $12.69.” i pulled out some cash and handed it over.

“is it usually this slow here?” human interaction is the key to humanity.

“around this time, yeah. usually we have more than two customers.”
a little laughter that followed killed the silence and made more room for breathing.

“although the business has been slow since everyone started to stop reading books, or buy it from amazon.” he handed me the change with a hint of simmering history in his eyes.

“yeah you’re right. do you own this store?”

“me? no. although i’ve been working here for a long time now. ”

“seems like a chill job.” all i saw him do was switch records, look outside, arrange the new arrivals, and take my money. i wouldn’t mind that.
“did you grow up in the city?”

“oh no. i moved here from canada. been here for 17 years now.”
hey, i know someone else who’s been here for 17 years.

“wow that is a long time. what’s your name?”

“i’m andy.”

After I’m done

I want to write,
to create,
raw words, and unorthodox sentences.
weird, but honest to my core
literature.

and to be able to
look myself in the eye
after I’d done it.

after I’m done writing
about myself.

Untitled

continued from last time…

What I find amusing about Texas weather is that it changes a lot. I mean multiple times a day. I vaguely remember one day in August I checked the weather before going out, and it was a promising 85 with sun shining nice and high. An hour later I get out of this meeting, and it’s fucking pouring down. I’m damn sure they put out flash flood warning for that shit. You could have just floated in your boat and sung those rain songs on your way back home in that much water which collected there in last hour and only God knows how. That was my first encounter with this mood of nature. Everyone around me acted like it was normal.

Me? Hell no.

I just stood there with my eyes wide open staring at the huge drops of water coming down from the gray sky thinking about what in the fuck am I going to do now without an umbrella.

Truth be told, it didn’t turn out to be a good day. I’m not a big fan of multiple showers a day. I barely get on with the required one. And that gray sky, it pisses me off. You can’t go out, and that alone restricts me to do stuff. Do stuff. Something. Anything. That’s what I do. All the time. And the rain basically told me, hey you, fuck off. And I’m just sitting there sipping my coffee listening to an intelligently picked mellow music playlist specially curated for rainy days in my room running out of ideas to DO stuff. I never liked being restricted.

I like my freedom. I like my options open most of the times. And I get it that you can’t always have whatever you wish for, but most of the times, I just need the freedom to think and act on. That’s pretty much what I desire from people around me. And from life overall. But rain devoid me of that freedom. Unless you give me a soccer ball and couple of humans. Then I’m the happiest kid in the world.

But this story here is far from being a happy story. It’s not going to be pretty, or colorful, or even have a happy ending after all the bullshit. There’s no doodling with crayons. Yeah, the movies lied to you. As of now, it doesn’t even have an ending. Because shit seems to keep going on and on. Forever and ever. And for as long as the shit keeps going on, there will be a writer bored out of his fucking mind writing about it.

Because somebody gotta entertain, ain’t that true? So be it. I’ll keep writing, and you keep reading.

And I’m Brad Pitt

This story is just a usual story. A regular story about guys and girls. A guy and a girl in particular. They could be anyone. Look around you. To your left. To your right. Now look in the mirror. That’s right. Stare right into those eyes who are staring back at you. They could be you too.

They could be anyone, and no one. And that was what’s so beautiful about them. They could pretend like they were the only two people that God ever intended to create on this planet we call home, but they could also pass each other on an empty street and not even look at the other, even though their bodies knew the other was just a breath away.

They were intense, yet hollow.
They were fire, yet a snow storm.
Burning up to their desires, arctic cold to their souls.

Honestly, they both were full of shit. That’s what I think about them. And about every other guy and girl who think they are the special one.

Sure. Why not?
And I’m Brad Pitt.

 

 

PS: How’s this for the beginning of a Novella people?