seasons.

make me feel the seasons you’ve lived.

November 17th

Today is weird. Probably the saddest day of my life. In fact, my eyes are tearing up as I write this. Personally, I had one of the best days since I started job hunting. I talked to 2 companies today who are both interested in getting me on board, had great interviews with them, but today put a void in my soul that’s probably never going to be filled.

Today, one of my best friend’s mom died.

My fingers falter a little as I type this out. I’m not even exaggerating, my hands don’t want to do this. But as I force myself to spit my feelings out, I can only think of how my friend is feeling 9,000 miles away from where I am. Actually, he’s more than a friend. A brother from another mother. That’s right, another mother. That’s probably what she was, not only to me but to everyone in our little friends circle for most of our lives.

I think I have replayed the conversation when he told me that in my mind around 100 times, hoping that something might change this time. But nope, it is what it is. I spent my whole day in utter shock. And wondering about how we take things for granted. Always so sure that our loved ones are going to be there when we visit home next time. I cried. I cried when I was telling other people. I shed some tears every time I thought about it. I couldn’t even finish half of my sentences today. I was at loss of words. I still am.

The thought of someone so close dead at such a young age is terrifying. Last night, a friend asked me what I missed the most about home. I told her that the fact that I can just lay my head in my mother’s lap and fall asleep whenever I want is the only thing I really miss. We don’t even know sometimes how lucky we actually are. I didn’t know what to say to my friend when he told me. It took me a good half an hour to actually believe what he had said. I still don’t know what to tell you brother. Other than this, that even though I can’t, all I want right now is to hug you and be with you. To show you that you are never alone in this. That I’m always there. Always. That if you ever feel like lost, or lonely, just look up at the sky, and that’s the same one I’m sharing with you. And your mother may be not be physically there anymore, but she’s always going to be there in our hearts.

That is all I want to say to you.

Change

I’m not
scared
of getting hurt and
moving on.

I’m scared of staying at one place
and being the same.

forever.

Identity > Actions > Feelings

If you think about it and you look around to the people that you know, you can even see this on social media as well. You’ll see people who get upset or happy, excited or whatever their feelings are.

Then they act based upon that feeling. They’re responsive to how they feel. Then over time, they begin to become defined by those actions, either as say somebody is a hot head or somebody has integrity or good character.

This can go good or it can go bad, but essentially what you’re doing is you’re letting your feelings determine who you want to be and who you want to become, when essentially this is backwards.

What you really want to do is have your identity determine what your actions will be and then whatever your actions will be will determine your feelings.

In other words, decide the type of person you want to be, what kind of person that you want to become. What kind of person do you want to be known for? Then make your actions of that type of person. Then when your actions are of that type of person, that will bring the feelings of that.

In other words, you’re not going to be living responsive to everything.

You are going to be deciding and laying down the foundations for your own destiny.

Originally posted here: http://www.elitefts.com/coaching-logs/what-does-your-identity-have-to-do-with-feelings/

Generalizing

arguing about politics
blaming guns, blaming you
drying conversations with past
cleaning up the future
young ones going green
gloating the status quo
aged cackling drinking martinis
complaining about their lives

all men are dickheads.

Those words

I live those words.

I breathe those words.

Those words, your words, made me feel I was never alone.

They made me feel that there’s someone out there for me.

Your words were honest with me

and I was honest with your words.

Reading them, knowing how you felt, how you were lonely sometimes, and afraid too, but always standing up, the way you looked at the world, felt its color, smelled its textures, and sounds, I felt your thoughts, hopes, desires and dreams.

I felt I was thinking and feeling and dreaming with you.

I dreamed of what you dreamed of, and wanted what you wanted.

And then I realized,

that truly

I just wanted

you.

If I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow
would you
miss me?

Would you miss
the dance of my naked footsteps
on the cold wooden floor

Would you miss
my voice
in your ears

Would you miss
getting lost
in my coffee pool eyes

Would you miss
my laugh
echoing through your heart

Will you miss
the way
the rise
and
the fall
of my chest quickens
when you’re near

Will you miss
how I tug
at your heart strings
with such ease

or how easily
you tug
at mine

Would you miss
the taste of spices
on my skin
from turning my empty house
into a home
whenever I cooked
for you

Would you miss
my Ying
to your Yang

Will there be
an empty space
in your heart
from all the times
I rested
my ear against you
to listen
to the song
that
your heart sings

Will there be
an empty space
in your heart

your heart

where you keep
a special place
for me

and

what about your mind?

Will it be
the same
when I’m gone

or

Will you always
remember the nights
we spent
talking about
our true selves
and
how we’ll
take over the
world
and
dreamed about
having skinny feet
together

Will you remember

That
your eyes
are
my favorite color

That
your “hello”
is
my favorite sound

That
your warmth
is
my favorite feeling

Will you miss
me
the way
I already miss you?

How are you?

how are you feeling?

you don’t have to say it to anyone else,

just admit it to yourself.

this street is half full and it’s too much

my neighborhood sounds:

lots of
people and drifting leaves
workers in heat
with faces like old men
staying in their shadows
as I cross the street.

birds feeding their hatchlings
chirpings, barking and
two hands in solitude
holding, scribbling.

yet another shitty
poem
about how I
feel
sometimes.

I was there

Fear.

I guess that’s what keeps us alive.

I was breathing. Actually breathing. My heart beat was faster than ever. I can’t remember when was the last time I felt like that. Even while writing this, it’s still not in my control. Its still fast. I feel alive. Resurrected. When I was standing in the middle, that’s when it struck me. Its a lake. I don’t know how to swim. I really don’t like chilly water. No one does. No, that’s not how I want to die. I haven’t thought about it, but not like that. That’ll be lame. When all these reasoning strikes you at the same time, that’s when shit gets real. Its been over 40 degrees for last 4 days. That was the icing on the cake.

But the thing is, I can’t run away now. I’m here. There’s nothing I can do about it now. All I could feel was the instant rush in my breath. An exciting one. A bit of insecurity. My mind asking me, why would you ever do something like that? But my heart replying, because that’s what you live for. For moments like these. I felt my heart rate calming down. Should I go further? Why not. And I walked. And I kept walking. And few seconds later, I looked back. I could still point out my bike, but anyone would’ve easily stolen it easily at that point. There’s no way I would have caught him.

I looked around. That was it. I’ve made it to the middle of the lake. A sense of accomplishment. The sun shone behind me, with the rays giving me a pat on the back. But I realized something. Happiness is real only when shared. I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream. I don’t do this everyday. I wanted to jump like crazy. Probably not a good idea given the situation. But I didn’t. I kept all of it inside me hidden somewhere. There was no one to share it with. But I headed back, slowly, still filled with some accomplishment. After touching my bike again, I felt a bit of relief. I did it. Yes. I looked back. There was no one. Just the frozen lake and sunlight reflecting from it.

I was there.