November 17th

Today is weird. Probably the saddest day of my life. In fact, my eyes are tearing up as I write this. Personally, I had one of the best days since I started job hunting. I talked to 2 companies today who are both interested in getting me on board, had great interviews with them, but today put a void in my soul that’s probably never going to be filled.

Today, one of my best friend’s mom died.

My fingers falter a little as I type this out. I’m not even exaggerating, my hands don’t want to do this. But as I force myself to spit my feelings out, I can only think of how my friend is feeling 9,000 miles away from where I am. Actually, he’s more than a friend. A brother from another mother. That’s right, another mother. That’s probably what she was, not only to me but to everyone in our little friends circle for most of our lives.

I think I have replayed the conversation when he told me that in my mind around 100 times, hoping that something might change this time. But nope, it is what it is. I spent my whole day in utter shock. And wondering about how we take things for granted. Always so sure that our loved ones are going to be there when we visit home next time. I cried. I cried when I was telling other people. I shed some tears every time I thought about it. I couldn’t even finish half of my sentences today. I was at loss of words. I still am.

The thought of someone so close dead at such a young age is terrifying. Last night, a friend asked me what I missed the most about home. I told her that the fact that I can just lay my head in my mother’s lap and fall asleep whenever I want is the only thing I really miss. We don’t even know sometimes how lucky we actually are. I didn’t know what to say to my friend when he told me. It took me a good half an hour to actually believe what he had said. I still don’t know what to tell you brother. Other than this, that even though I can’t, all I want right now is to hug you and be with you. To show you that you are never alone in this. That I’m always there. Always. That if you ever feel like lost, or lonely, just look up at the sky, and that’s the same one I’m sharing with you. And your mother may be not be physically there anymore, but she’s always going to be there in our hearts.

That is all I want to say to you.

7 thoughts on “November 17th

  1. life isn’t easy, and the advanced coursework is hard on everyone. How do you deal with a hole in your heart? You love more, you love unquestioning, you love with all you can love with. Death is a hard concept. How can something so beautiful and needed become a gap with the snap of a finger? I can’t answer that for you. I just know it does. So you cry a little, think a lot, feel a lot and then feel numb because you had too many feelings to deal with you. Then you write and pray that someone will read and validate your loss. It’s the advanced course on humanity and all the platitudes in the world will continue to annoy and push you away.

    Love isn’t easy, but it is love. You sound like your friend will be in your thoughts for a while. Make sure you let them talk, make sure you listen and do realize that you do understand what he’s going through. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to be fair. Just be his friend as he goes through this, and call your mother and give her an over the phone hug.

    Loving and Living 201 is really just the beginning of the adult world. It gets older fast, but then you realize you still have that flower of youth in your heart. You still can share love. You can protect others not from loss but by validating loss. Youth is a hard time to lose someone let alone a parent.

    Here is a hug. It’s not much, but it is a hug.

  2. It’s saddening. Tough to deal with. There’s nothing else you could have done. Stay strong deal with it. Stars and being there always is a myth. Cherish the friends and family you have. I wish you make peace with it. Blessings and memories will always stay close.

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